My only sister is 13 years older than me and now that we are grown ups we are very close, but I was basically raised as an only child. When I was 5 she left for college and began her life as an adult. I used to daydream about having a twin and how fun it would be to have a built in best friend, or an older brother who could be protective and look out for me. From a VERY young age, I knew I wanted to grow up and be a mom and I just knew I would have a house full of boys.
Fast forward and I am now grown, married to a man I am completely in love with, and we have 2 boys that I adore with my whole heart. They are 18 months apart and I pray that they will grow up being best friends and always have security knowing they have a brother to watch their back. I never considered I might have a girl until I gave birth to my second son, while I was in the hospital recovering I told my husband that if we did this again (“this” being, have another child”) It would be a girl.
Now to the present. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant, I found out I was expecting when I was 3 weeks and 5 days along. THAT IS SO EARLY! I had a loooong time to daydream about the little girl I just knew I was having. My youngest son was 2.5 years old at this point, so add those years on to the time I had been expecting to be pregnant with my baby girl. I was slightly scared of the thought, because I am so used to my boys and how easy they are to dress and how easy it is to “do their hair” and by that I mean..brush it. But I knew I would figure it out along the way. I daydreamed about how much our little girl would love her daddy and how sweet it would be to see my husband smitten with our little princess. I thought about Our boys and how excited they would be about their baby sister, my oldest son had been telling us, even before I was pregnant, about his baby sister. We even had the perfect name picked out, all I had to do now was confirm the lack of boy parts with ultrasound.
I had this picture in my head filled with a baby girl….until I turned 12 weeks and thought I caught a glimpse or a nub that looked an awful lot like a boy part. For so long I had thought only of my new baby girl and suddenly it dawned on my that I might be having a 3rd boy! But I talked myself down, I was early and the Nub theory is not 100% accurate, it could totally be wrong.
Well it was not wrong and sure enough I am expecting my 3rd boy!! I am over the moon about a 3rd healthy baby but I couldn’t help but mourn the little girl I may never have. I would love a 4th child but we don’t know what the future holds and this could be our last. Which means I may never be the mother of the bride. I may never be invited into the delivery room to welcome a grandchild into the world. I may always be just the mother-in-law. I gave my mother heck through my teenage years, but I grew up to be her best friend and it made me sad to think I may never experience the bond between a mother and her daughter. My boys love and adore me. If they are happy, sad, or mad they come to mama first and I LOVE IT. But one day I pray they find a wife that fills their whole hearts with joy, and that will most likely mean taking a few steps back from the first woman in their lives, their mommy.
I talked to my husband about all my feelings ( he never doubted we would have a 3rd boy) and he said this, “God knows what we need, and that is what he has given us.” I could literally feel the peace wash over me. Of course he was right, if God is giving us a third boy, he has a very good reason! My father died tragically when I was 13, his absence in my life left a constant want for male attention. I sought that out in all the wrong places until God opened my eyes and made me realize that He, God was my Father. A perfect father that would never leave me the way my Earthly father chose to. And now he has filled my home with boys that I can love and have love me, hopefully for years and years to come, God willing.
Since that conversation with my husband I have had no sadness about the little girl I thought would be in my future. Now I daydream about my little man and whether or not he will look like his brothers, and what his personality will be like. My 2 boys are wild as bucks, destructive, dramatic, full of personality, hilarious, and LOUD. I am thinking maybe I am due for a calm child who doesn’t get into everything, climb the walls, or poop in strange places when it’s time to potty train. Only time will tell!